fresh beginning

Have you ever yearned for pain
Or sought malcontentment
Can you imagine chasing anger
Or envying resentment
Think of a time sorrow dominated
Your usual resilience
Now imagine that relentless calm ....
Is the enemy of existence....

Filled overflowing with empty....
Void of life but not dead....
Purposely numbed to the conflicts
Of fighting demons in my head
For months I have felt no emotion
Overtaken by the demons I know
Fighting their all consuming battle
For ownership of my soul....

A wounded child in grown man pain
There is a kind of quiet provided
Effective benefits wrapped in limitation
Offer an illusion of safety misguided
So I hide the child while I escape from pain
To protect him from the truth
But in the chasm between intent and impact
Hides a casualty of tortured youth

Time has shown the boy within
To my souls’ worth holds the key
And the locks I used to protect his place
Now keep his joy from me
He sits anesthetized in a room of despondency
Shocked by a revolting loss of innosence
Tasks checked with perfunctory completion
Days filled with imperturbable insolence
The kind of abuse he endured
While I nursed my petty pain
Left him hiding in deep retreat
From the man that I became

Why did I not say no at the first mention
How could I even allow this to begin
Why subject my value, my worth, my future
To lies of demons from within
Because I gave them authority
When I invited them come, sit and visit
I surrendered 8 years to their seizure
Thinking I’ll get it back when I miss it

But I was unprepared for the fight
Between me and demons empowered
This is my life and this is my soul
Never again will they see me cower....
With no pipe to bind me
Or mirror to numb
No green herb's boost
My words to make dumb

You now see a man
That has had more than enough.
I will not give you residence
I will not give me up....
To begin my journey of completion
And keep the demons I’ve expelled at bay
I must prove to the hiding child in me
My abuses are forever gone away

From emptiness we will walk
Armed with wit, charm and might
I will fight today, tomorrow and forever
I will not go gently into that dark night
When that mirror of truth stared at me
Revealing a shell of skin concealing bone
No reason to question emotions fleeting
Purity cannot call a wasteland its home
With a timid voice my vices acknowledged
To guys living with similar strife
With eyes of hope and redemption
The scared boy came back to my life
Daily we clear the battlefields
The young boy and I hand in hand
Renewed by self appreciation
An unwavering belief that we can

Still live the best life for us
Gratitude and respect overflow
For the chance to be the man
That we have come to know
These are my secrets revealed
The few treasured hopes that remain
In the beginning of my triumph
I stumble through rocky terrain
If ever you look up and find
Life has brought us to the same place
You’re looking at a work in progress
Who welcomes your friendly embrace....